Thursday, 15 January 2015

Being Indian, turning 25 and facial waxing

It all began on New Years day after a bottle of prosecco and I bet I am not the last person in the world to say that! Apologies to those who think this blog has become an ode to my newly adopted alcoholism, I promise you that is not the case. It just seems that most of my recent adventures seem to start and end with the popping of a cork!

My friends often ask me, after they find out that I’m Indian that is, whether my parents will force me to have an arranged marriage. I look them, raise my perfectly defined left eyebrow (shouts out to the Punjabi/Korean doll on Broadway) and respond: ‘The same rents that know my tequila drinking ways and love for Chris Brown will NEVER force my hand.’ And that’s the exact truth. Mummy and Daddy Gill just don’t have it in them, I hope.

It’s just that sometimes people don’t know much about my Punjabi culture and in time I have come to realise it is not their fault, so I have decided to clarify for the curious cats amongst you. As the New Year dawns and my 25th birthday edges closer, so do the questions from my beloved parents about my opinions on marriage. Yes, I did say they would never force me to meet Mr turban man and call it a day but it doesn’t mean that securing their daughter’s marital future is not at the top of their list of priorities. Well here is my opinion: I would rather marry my gay best friend because he owns more Rick Owens than me and I know for a fact that holy matrimony would mean an amazing closet share for us both. If that isn’t love, then I’m not sure what is. Unfortunately however, I have already taken the non-traditional career route by not becoming a doctor that I couldn’t possibly stand to disappoint the parentals when it comes to love.

When ‘Bend It Like Beckham’ hit the screens in 2002, I was relieved. Not only because it was the only time Keira Knightly didn’t look like an Edwardian extra but because it was an accurate portrayal of an Indian household - except the part when she kisses the white cricket player in front of her strict Sikh parents; let’s just say Daddy Gill would have lost his nut! It would never happen. Thanks to that wonderful comedy, Indian women the world over decided to take up football in hopes of eventually getting with their coach - well I know that’s the only reason I played defence for Wexham United all those years ago knowing full well I could barely kick a ball. We all have dreams.

So in come the typical Indian stereotypes. When we were preparing for my sister’s wedding in 2009, one thing that really stands out to me is the day she got her entire face threaded. Anyone who has the guts to even have their eyebrows done can only imagine the pain she went through just to be a cleansed bride. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? CAN YOU IMAGINE HAVING YOUR ENTIRE FACE THREADED. I would rather look like Rick Genest aka Rico the Zombie and have my entire body tattooed than go through that:

When it comes to DNA, I was lucky enough to escape warewolf-ness and avoid a super hairy face but some people are not so fortunate. And now I can finally get to my point. It was New Years day: A bottle of prosecco led my sister to ask why I was single and before I could answer she concluded that it must be because of the state of my face. She's incredibly charming my older sister, you must meet her. As a result, she decided that now I had cut my hair off, much to her dismay, the time had to come wax my sideburns. Here comes the biggest regret I have to this date: I said yes. Insert saddest emoji here. There I was, lying on her lap in a room with nearly not as much lighting as two drunk beauticians would need. She said it would only take two strips. She lied.

The following morning I realised the damage as I examined my new, very patchy new face. The only thing left to do now was to have the whole thing done… SOBER. You know when you want to run into oncoming traffic? Yea well that’s how I felt how some woman frantically spread hot wax onto my face. All I could think was that I am now going to have to do this for the rest of my life; it felt like I had been diagnosed with an illness. So I hope that gives you a little more insight into my culture and what not to do with hot wax. I hope I find a husband now. If you know anyone…

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